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Saturday, February 03, 2007

Vincent must die

Alright, you're wondering who Vincent is, and what he had done to piss me off so much that I want him to die. Simple. Vincent is one of my housemates who is vertically and horizontally challenged. In other words, he's pretty much like Samwise Gamgee, if you know what I mean. And, what he did was worse than the sum of all the 7 sins.

Let me elaborate. I was sick for the past week or so, as you already knew if you had read my blog. I remember last weekend, Vincent messaged me on YM, telling me that I MUST go watch this movie called "Epic Movie". Well, before he mentioned it to me, I had never heard of the movie before. He told me it's pretty much like Scary Movie, only better. Fine, I placed that movie in my KIV department in my brain.

When he got back, that stupid Hobbit just doesn't stop talking about the movie! You know what he said? He said,

"If you go to watch that movie, make sure you don't go to the washroom half way. Don't even blink!"

Well considering that he's never been wrong about any movies before this, we (Khoo, Gary, Agito and I) believed him, and decided to go watch that movie in 1 Utama on Friday.

All I can say is, we were so wrong that even the word "wrong" is now a massive understatement! We were DEAD WRONG. We've never been wronger all our lives!

Alright, before I go on and on about how pissed we are at Vincent, let me first explain how bad the movie actually is. If you're actually planning to watch this movie (even after reading the previous paragraphs), let me warn you that there are spoilers hereon. And besides that, let me add this, in the words of Chef from south park,

"Go fudge yourself!"

OK, firstly, this is a Scary-Movie-ish movie, which means it had no content, just tons and tons of rip-offs from famous movies in the box office. So basically this movie is based pretty much on "The Chronicles of Narnia". At the beginning of the movie, they introduced the 4 main characters, 4 orphans from different backgrounds.

Lucy, the dumbshit (no, she's not blonde), was under the care of the curator of a museum (this one's from The Da Vinci Code). The events that followed and led to her acquisition of the special ticket to an epic adventure basically doesn't make any sense at all, and is not worth mentioning.

Edward, on the other hand, has a background from the movie "Nacho Libre" or whatever the name of the movie was, I don't really care.

And then there's Susan whose first appearance was on a plane full of snakes which attacked people's genitals and tits, from which she was thrown off by a guy who claimed that he's always yelling 'cause he's Samuel-God-Damned-Jackson. She fell from the sky, killing a girl who dressed like Paris Hilton (or at least I thought so).

Lastly, there's Peter, who's from a Mutant High. The only thing worth mentioning here is perhaps Mystique, who was played by sexy Carmen Electra. She certainly had racks that could beat the ones of the original Mystique (played by one of my favourite model-turned-actresses, Rebecca Romjin Stamos).

OK, so the 4 had all gotten their special tickets to Willy's Chocolate Factory, only to find out that it's all a sick plot to get their body parts for the candy they're making in the factory. However, in their effort to escape Willy's wrath, Lucy found by accident a passageway to Gnarnia, where the name had a "G" added to it for legal purposes.

Mr. Tumnus was there, of course. And there was the White Bitch (originally the White Witch from Narnia) that rides in a drifting sleigh with a number plate that reads "Gnarnia Drift".

Basically the story that follows is simply a huge rip-off from Narnia. There were also parts that come from Pirates of The Carribean, Superman Returns (this is perhaps the only relatively funnier part of the whole movie, where the bad guy fired right into Superman's eye, and they zoomed in at his eye, showing how the bullet actually went into his eye and he fell off the building), and Harry Potter.

And the lamest part of all is when Edward, Susan and Lucy were all killed by the White Bitch's army, and Peter was on the ground, crawling away from the White Bitch who was trying to kill him. All of the sudden he found a remote control, the one from "Click". He paused the White Bitch, and then slow-mo-ed a girl who was jogging by (where the hell did she come from!?). There was even a "heal injuries" button on that remote control which Peter used to heal his brother and sisters. They then got up and killed all the paused enemies.

Then it was back to the Narnia story where they ruled for a long time and one day they found the closet once more, and they went back to their own world. The only difference was that when they got back, they found Borat standing in front of them, saying,

"You make movie have happy ending... NOT!"

And they all got crushed by Captain Jack Swallow's giant wheel.

Well, what I think of this movie is that you know sometimes you suddenly have this great idea that you could use, but what you're required to do had nothing at all to do with the great idea that you had. However you insist on using that idea of yours, so you simply distort your assignment just so that you could fit that idea of yours into it. That's what this movie is about. Someone (the producers of Scary Movie, perhaps) suddenly said out of no where,

"Hey, let's make a funny movie based on The Chronicles of Narnia!"

Then the team all went,

"Hey, I've got an idea, why don't we use some scenes from the Da Vinci Code, and then make fun of Tom Hank's stupid hairdo!"

"No, no, listen to my idea! Let's use a scene from "Snakes on A Plane" and then make fun of Samuel L. Jackson!"

"Oh no no no! I've got a better one! Let's put storm troopers among the army of the White Witch, that would definitely be funny!"

Finally, their leader said,

"I know, why don't we use all the idea and compile them into a movie? That way we don't have to do much, we just re-produce everything and "sew" them together into an order that makes the most sense!"

There you go. That's pretty much all that I could say about that horrible, horrible movie. Don't watch it, thats my advice. If you're one of the producers of this movie, go to hell, or give me back my RM6 and an hour and a half! If you happen to be Jigsaw from the movie Saw, please help me design a machine that could torture Vincent in the worst possible ways for the longest possible duration before killing him in the cruelest method imagineable. You could do that to the crew who produced the Epic Movie, too, as a bonus.

Posted by Sky :: 9:59 AM :: 1 Comments:

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